for the bathroom

a toilet that doubles as a scale. this way you can watch yourself lose weight.

An alarm clock

that gently soothes you awake with the smell of a five-alarm fire.

School cafeteria pizza restaurant.

It was the best, you'll agree. The square ones. It was good. Somebody once told me it was welfare pizza. Maybe. Anyway. It would rule and they would be a dollar a slice, and would come with the combo chicken nuggets/mashed potatoes to be turned into a stonehenge on your tray.

Cards that take pictures when you open them.

Like the ones that make sound, you open it and you see the look on your face when you look at this AMAZING CARD.

Co-credit Diana.

Another director's cut.

Or: Movie Remixes. Give another director a chance to look at a movie and make a better version of that movie. For funsies! Would be great if, on DVDs, they would let you re-edit the movie so you take out the parts you don't like or just be fancy, you know.

Fire extinguisher hose built into oven.

Like the water hose built into the sink, a thing that stops fire in close proximity to a place where fires start.

Great scenes in bad movies.

Bad movies aren't all bad, but they're worse when there's hope of something great in it. I want to do, I don't know, an art exhibit? A collectible DVD series? Of great scenes in bad movies. So you don't have to wade through the bad to get a spark of genius.

Resizable, slinky-like tables.

Bear with me. You know those dining tables that you can pull out and make bigger by, like, adding a piece? Same principle, only slinky-ized! The inner table part should be inside of the hollowed-out table so that it's easy to make as big or small as you need it to be. I could draw a picture, but that's work.

A car-key that finds your car.

Like a metal detector. Point it in the direction of your car and it'll tell you if'n you're hot or cold.

An alarm clock that you can only cut off with mathematics.

When your alarm clock goes off, it needs to stay on long enough for you to focus your mind and wake up. So answer a few small, intermediate math questions! Yay!

A washing machine that sends you a text when yo' clothes is done.

'Cause I forget.

Movie delivery with pizza delivery.

I like pizza *and* movies! Weird! When you order from Dominos/Pizza Hut/Pete's-A-Ria, they should have an assortment of what's hot out there in movie rentals. I'm looking at you, 'The Blind Side.'

I'm just really trying to do things that make sense here, folks. Blockbuster should've called me first.

A number that you can call that will make decisions for you.

In lieu of this service existing, please call me for restaurant considerations, to review bathroom tiling options, or a decision on what's-good-out.

(843) 496-8783.

The Pizza Truck.

Daytime in suburban neighborhoods have the ice cream truck. Night-time in college-folk area should have a pizza truck that rolls around with some nu-metal or perhaps alternative rock to get college-boy to rush from his penis explorations to buy a steaming hot slice of pizza out of a truck.

Co-credit Alex.